there has been a lot going on. A LOT. and i'm really not too sure how i feel about all of it. i've come to a place in my life that i didn't think i would arrive at. it's weird falling asleep alone. it's weird not seeing eachother everyday. it's weird that i work in a restaurant (not in general, i just never really thought i would, and now i am... if that makes any sense). i've managed to become lonelier than before, which has helped me to evaluate the previous situation.

shits my own fault. i've put myself here, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. perhaps i just went about getting the right thing in the wrong way?

this album is TOO GOOD.

shara worden, from My Brightest Diamond, does some AWESOME guest vocals. 

i think my head might explode from happy.

I don't understand. When did everything fall apart?

I've lost my job- again.

I'm not doing anything with my life.

I can't afford car insurance, let alone to move out from Dave's house.

I know where I want to be, but I can't seem to make my life work so I can get there.

I'm angry and sad all the time and I keep taking it out on Benson, because he's the only one around. I feel awful about that.

I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. Or, wake up and have everything fixed. Have a job.

Although, the worst of it is, I'm not out of my job yet. I have 11 more days before I am jobless. But it's even worse knowing it's coming. Because I have all of this time to look for a job, but I can't, because I'm at my job.

fuck this, man.

today i had my first math/GRE related meltdown.

it was bound to happen sooner or later (i'm quite surprised it wasn't sooner).

i felt the same way that i did in high school, when something was over my head and i couldn't wrap my brain around why a this particular set of problems had to be solved a certain way. at some point i set up all of these mental walls, and nothing makes its way inside.

i'm honestly not sure how i'll do on that test. all i know is that i'm studying, and trying. things are coming easier than they used to, but the more i do and the more i figure out, the more i'm convinced that i'm not a math person. and that's just the way i was trained. i was taught (indirectly) by my parents that math is hard and no fun- so that's what i believe.

if i ever have a kid, i'm never going to tell them my views on math- i'll help them the best i can and get them help for everything above that. but i will never teach them that one subject is better than another, or easier, or more fun. i'll let them figure these things for themselves.

Comment to this post and I will give you five subjects/things I associate with you. Then post this to your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.

Marc gave me these!

1.
2.
3.
   Benson! My boyfriend of 5 some-odd years. And when I say odd... well, I mean it.

4.
    Universal Studios- I worked for Universal for a few years of my life. Benson and I met our good friend Kevin through an International Work Studies Program. I worked at Shrek 4-D, Fear Factor Live! and Bubba Gump's Shrimp. Marc and I also had a really fun day of roller coasters and theme park food, minus the pain of having to pay to get into the park. Biggest perk of working in the park is that you can get in for free and bring people with you!

5.
    short people hah!- Who's short? I'm pretty short. Like, not the shortest ever, but no where near "normal" height. I've come to terms with the fact that I've stopped growing, that I'll always need to use a step stool, pants will rarely fit and that it will always be easier to ask Benson to get things down for me instead of finding my step stool. Did I ever mention that Benson is 6'2"?

birthday tomorrow.

i'm depressed about it already.

second birthday since i've graduated from college, and i'm the same exact place i was last year: working at borders for $7.87 an hour.

hopefully 24 will be the magic "get my shit together, start grad school, move out of dave's basement and start being a responsible adult" year.

i'm currently updating through our wii. and i'm damn excited about it.

<---- nerd.

i feel like i'm trying quite hard. i'm working as much as i can. i work out 2-3 times a week. i'm making an effort to be sociable.

but some days it doesn't feel like enough. and that i'm not good enough. and no matter what i do, it won't ever be good enough.



on a side note- i read about the one dollar diet project today. it was quite interesting, and i encourage everyone to read the diary of a couple who chose to see if the could really survive on one dollar a day, and the issues it brought up (both health and moral issues). it was both interesting and thought provoking.

i got rejected by teach for america.

if i still thought that i could lessen my pain by hurting myself, i would be a bloody mess right now.

but i don't, so i'm not.

apple, you've done it again.

the newest addition to itunes is pretty awesome. it's called genius, and it creates awesome playlists (which i'm much too lazy to do on my own). you choose a song to start with, and then it creates a playlist based on that. i created one on the arcade fire's song 'neighborhood #1' and so far, it's awesome.

granted, my itunes library at work is quite limited. but it's been a pretty great mix so far.

Well, I've officially done the scariest thing I've done in a while.

I've submitted my application to Teach for America.

I hope they like me...

i just finished reading an article in the new york times about sarah palin. it's pretty appalling the way she ran the alaskan government. hiring friends from high school and firing those who don't agree with you... man, this woman is way out of her league.

i feel like i've turned a corner in my life, where i actually care about myself.

when i was younger (middle school), i was pretty skinny because i was malnourished. when dad got with lindy, we started eating real dinners (who knew that frozen meals 7 nights a week weren't good for you?) and i put on a little chub. but i felt better, because i was eating food that was less processed, and a little more nutritous for me. around this time, i pretty much began loving food, and embracing my life as a "theater person." to me, this meant exerting as little energy as i could on anything that could be construed as exercise.  so i went from malnourished to overnourished in the matter of a few years. and i stayed overnourished and underactive until now.

it's not that i necessarily care about the way i look to other people (although, it would be nice to be reacted to by complete strangers- but once again, that would strictly be for me, and not them). i do care about being healthy (for the first time). i am severley overweight (or moderately obese, depending on the chart you're looking at). and i've come to hate it.

for the past week i've either gone to the gym or ridden my bike every day. which means that i've been sore for a week now, in different areas of my body. after working with a personal trainer last friday, it was an all over hurt. after riding 6 miles on my bike (which i haven't done in years), it was my thighs and knees. my abs and hips are hurting. and my arms and back muscles are tired.

but i feel good about my body being so tired. because i feel like i'm actually working towards something. i'm going to be healthier than i've ever been (and that's a promise to myself that i'm not willing to break). i'm going to feel good about clothes shopping because things that i like will (hopefully) look better on me. i'm not going to feel the need to constantly cover myself up, from head to toe. i'm also not going to want to cry whenever i look at myself in the mirror or see a picture of me.

once again, i stress that it's not all about looks, and i'm doing this for no one but myself.

i want to know that i'm not going to die of heart disease at a young age.

and i want to be confident (for once in my life).

friends are like... drugs (prescription and non. this doesn't matter and it isn't the point).

each one makes you feel and act in a different way. and seeing friends in group makes you feel and act another way. and we're never the same people when we're alone. it's like everyone has multiple personality disorder. am i different from when i was 17 and had blue (or pink or red) hair? or am i exactly the same, only dressed up differently? will i always be the same? is my growth as a person just an imaginary concept that is perceived by people i know (and knew) because i am around different people than when i was 17? or do we grow as people, or into people, simply because there is a driving force, pushing us to grow and live and experience and learn? does it take moving away from everyone you were close to, to grow up? and if that's the case, what about high school sweethearts? will they always be the same as they were in high school, because they have that one constant reminder of what they were like when they were 17? which means that there would be a large string of couples (though not as long as it used to be) who are walking around in the bodies of 35 year olds, with the minds of 17 year olds and kids who are 7 years old?

benson and i played a game last night called "how would the world be different?" which consists of us laying in bed, and i say a famous person in history that changed the world, and he tries to come up with how the world would be different if they never existed in the capacity that they did. there were only a few people who we could think of who changed the world drastically. mostly everyone else was in a "if not them, then someone else" situation. if not amelia airheart, then someone else. if not gerald ford, then someone else. but abe lincoln, jesus and ghengis khan were the only ones that didn't seem to have that sort of reaction. it was a pretty fun game, because i got to lay there and sleepily listen to benson talk about history, and benson got to talk about history in a critical fashion (also sleepily).

one day i will start leading an interesting life. but until then, i will live vicariously through everyone i meet.

gah! it's been so long! here's everything (or as much as i can remember):

car crash
vacation
getting drunk with little cousins
sheep
lake george
cold
crafts
"let's make cute things"

... that about sums it all up. an eventful few weeks, it'd say.

www.rhymeswithcori.blogspot.com

http://rhymeswithcori.blogspot.com/

i'm going to keep pushing this. because... well... i've got nothing better to do.

so check it regularly- i'm going to attempt to update it every weekday (no promises, but i don't think it should be a problem). and tell your friends. and comment on it. how will i ever be a famous blogger if no one reads the awesome blog?

since i'm not on the internet enough (between lj, facebook, myspace, etc.) i created a blog!

http://rhymeswithcori.blogspot.com/

subscribe to it! love it! i promise, it'll be more positive than i seem to be in this thing!

tell your friends! spread the word!